Day 1 Part 2: What if you could choose your ideal family?

We are all born with basic needs, these include way more than being fed, cleaned, and sheltered. Nurturance is very important, in fact, babies who are deprived of touch can fail to thrive, lose weight and even die.

Healing Attachment Wounds and Trauma Using PBSP

The second session that I took part in at the 34th Annual Boston International Trauma Conference was Healing Attachment Wounds and Trauma Using PBSP, presented by Gus B. Kaufman, Jr., Ph.D. (clinical psychologist).

The essence that I took from the session was how important it is to have our basic needs met when growing up and how unmet needs can have lasting effects that follow us all the way to adulthood. The basic needs mentioned during the session were as follow:

During the session it was emphasized no matter how old we get, our soul is always searching for the completion of our basic needs. Our maps of the world include the body, movement, and relationship. Gus presented the Pesso Boyden System Psychomotor (PBSP), which enables one to re-map and recreate past experiences in order to compensate for emotional deficits earlier in life.

During the session, Gus invited a volunteer from the attendees to do a demonstration on a PBSP exercise, I will call him Bob for naming sake. So at first, Gus asked Bob to notice what he was feeling in his body at that moment, after that was established, Gus continued to try to identify how a coping mechanism was present during the demonstration. It was Bob's tendency to smile and tell jokes to cope. This turned out to be a coping method that Bob has used since childhood to get by.

Bob was asked to pick and choose some attendees from the crowd who he feels could represent his ideal mother, brother, etc. who would this time be able to fill his unmet needs.

Soon enough the stage included Bob surrounded by his ideal family who supports him and allows him to be himself without having to smile and joke to mask and be accepted.

The ideal figures would say phrases such as: "As your ideal mother, it would have been okay for you to be yourself and not have to smile or joke all the time." "As your ideal mother, I would have (insert unmet need).

The demonstration ended with Bob being embraced by his ideal family. I tried to include a snapshot of this as I found this moment extremely beautiful.

Together with the other virtual and in-person attendees in the session, we very attentively watched how even for a moment, Bob was able to experience what it would have been like to have a family where his needs would be met.

I was glad to know that I was not the only one crying while watching this. 🥹 That moment was just so powerful and connecting and a lot of us had the opportunity to send our messages to Bob, thanking him for being so brave and allowing us to witness such a raw and beautiful moment.

The Concept of Ideal Family

This made me think about just how we should not let blood-relatedness limit us, the opportunities are endless. We can create new neural connections with safe people and this all comes back to how important human connection is for all of us.

The session reminded me of how many years ago, I came across a particular part on Reddit. There were some forums called "Mom for a minute" or "Family you choose", geared toward people who might not have an ideal relationship with a family member or who might have unfortunately lost these important figures at some point in their life.

The members could share important moments of their life, such as a birthday, or graduation, just to receive a reply from a caring individual in a way that for example, an ideal mother would have replied.

I thought that this was a really beautiful "life hack" for someone needing a caring word from an important family figure in their life.

Another way I could relate to this session was an actual substitute relationship that I have formed myself some time ago. This is very personal, so bear with me, but I truly believe in the power of vulnerability.

Long story short, since very young I wanted to have a big sister, and this followed me into adulthood. About a year and a half ago I met this lovely lady on the other side of the planet and we agreed to a sisterly relationship, and since then have been each other's unbiological sister and have such a beautiful relationship. This "ideal sister" relationship has healed me in ways unimaginable.

In conclusion, we are all born with basic needs, and when these needs are not met, we could walk through life with a longing to fill certain "holes in our hearts", but the good news is that healing is possible, and fortunately there are many possibilities to go about healing.

I will end with a quote that I enjoy sharing with others.

We heal through safe connections For more information about the PBSP method, I invite you to follow this link: https://pbsp.com/